Thoughts on my first BlogHer

When I signed up for BlogHer 2006, and even convinced a good friend to attend with me, I had no idea that I'd walk away with such incredibly strong feelings about the event. I thought it would be a great way to connect with the owners of the dozens of non-food blogs I read, learn something about the way other communities in the blogosphere work, and maybe even forge a few new friendships.

Instead, I left San Jose feeling a little alienated, though perhaps a bit more educated as well. Before proceeding however, I feel like I should give you a bit of background. This post is one of the most personal I've ever written, so I hope you'll be patient with me.

I am a child-free woman by choice and I married a man who doesn't wish to be a father. Ergo, we have a DINK marriage that is highly likely to stay that way. I hate using the term "childless" as it implies that I'm "missing" something, whereas "child-free" indicates a choice. I most certainly don't disparage any other woman for choosing parenthood, and in fact, see them as fiercely strong people.

So, it really saddened me when I left BlogHer yesterday feeling as though I'd inadvertently attended a Mommy-Blogging conference, and not a conference for all women. Throughout most of the day, I was surrounded by a derisiveness and cliquishness that sent me a message loud and clear: "Motherhood is the only choice".

To say that I already feel marginalized by many women who think that there is "something wrong with me" for not wanting to be a mom is an understatement. I just didn't expect to find that attitude at a conference filled with women who are participating in a world-changing  new medium.

I think of myself as a fairly outgoing person. I smile a lot, especially around people I'd like to meet. I haven't felt so bewilderingly "shot down" as I did yesterday in a very, very long time.

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One of the really lovely ladies I met  yesterday (in the food & wine "roundtable") is a fellow foodie who is also a mom.  We'll use her first initial to preserve her anonymity. "M" filled me in on some of what she'd heard coming out of the "Mommy-Blogging" session. It seems that the working moms felt like the whole discussion had been pre-empted by the SAHMs, of which there were many. It shocks me that, even between mothers, there is this "us against them" attitude.

She also told me that, last year, it was the mommy-bloggers who'd felt marginalized by the non-moms. That there were few sessions designed for them. So they all went back and wrote about BlogHer on their blogs. They created a "call to arms" of sorts, and banded together to get what they wanted and needed out of BlogHer 2006.

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So, tell me, what would you do?

Part of me wants to write to each and every woman I tried to make small talk with, and who failed to respond with even a glimmer of a smile -- sure, I know some of you are "A-list Bloggers", as it were, but you came to this conference for a reason, and I hope that reason wasn't to feed your egos. So why the cold shoulder?

Another part of me wants to create my OWN call-to-arms, and descend upon BlogHer 2007 with a contingent of food and wine bloggers. And, of course, volunteer for the planning committee to create relevant topics for us.

Because that's the other thing about yesterday -- even in the closing keynote with such luminaries as Arianna Huffington and Grace Davis, the damn discussion kept turning towards the implications (and applications) of blogging to motherhood. So much so, in fact, that one woman finally stood up and called the panel on it.

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OK, I've vented enough. But I just had to get this out, and where better to do that than in my beloved Blogosphere? I don't regret attending BlogHer for one moment, and I know I'll go back next year.

Call me an overachiever. Or a glutton for punishment.

Tags: BlogHer, Motherhood, Parenting, Food, Women, Huffington, Blogs, San Francisco, San Jose

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Comments

[Amy]

I'm glad the food bloggers I hang with are such a supportive and open-minded group. And I'm always surprised when I make contact with bloggers who I respect and I get the cold shoulder. But I now feel like at least I'm not alone! I think because this can be such a personal medium we assume a level of intimacy with people we feel we "know" and not everyone feels that way. I hope there is room for everyone at the table. It would be a shame if each group--mommie, foodies, winos, crafters, all felt they needed their own deal. I'd rather see ever focus on their commonalities than their differences.

[Christie Keith]

I'm not a foodie, I'm a political blogger (and also dogs), and a lesbian, and childless by choice. And I shared your feelings.

I think mothers should certainly get what they need out of this conference. But I felt like it was the dominant theme of the conference and it made me feel extremely alienated.

On the other hand... my feminist values are in an uproar. I keep going around and around about how I'd want to articulate what disturbed me. I tried blogging about it just now, didn't get much of anywhere.

[DrumsNWhistles]

Interesting. I'm not childless but I'm not a mommyblogger by any stretch of the imagination either. I blog about my kids but I also blog about the death penalty, pugs, and tech stuff...a little of everything.

The sessions I attended weren't of much interest to the mommyblogger group, so I didn't see the same things you did, but I don't doubt the impressions, nor the sense of alienation. I just finished a post on my impressions, which in some ways were similar to yours. My guess is that we will see the mommybloggers (with a few daddybloggers thrown in) branch out to become a separate group of mommy/daddybloghers. It is true: They're a force to be reckoned with.

One good thing about it all? I found your blog, and Christie Keith's blog and several others through posts like this and am now subscribed.

[Julie B]

Thank you for writing this post. I'm married, I live in the City, I work at my job a lot. My blog is my outlet. I have never wanted to have children, never felt the maternal tug. I married a man who fiercely loves my independence and looks at the future the same way I do. The future is ours, and we don't have to share it, we don't have to change it, we don't have to conform. Yes, I have a DINK lifestyle as well and I don't feel bad about it. I'm liberated by it, it's a lifestyle of freedom on so many different levels.

Thank you for posting your thoughts. It is refreshing for the bloggers who live wildly fulfilling lives in and out of the kitchen.

JB

[kalyn]

Hi Fatemah,
Thanks for being so honest about what you were feeling. I did meet one woman who writes a blog she calls "Purple Women" about women who choose not to have children. I don't have kids either, and I felt a little of what you did, but maybe not quite as much, probably due to the sessions I attended and being there both days.

Anyway wanted to let you know the list of food bloggers at Blogher is posted on my blog and on Blogher. Very nice meeting you.

[Fatemeh]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone, please keep them coming.

This experience is making me think seriously about starting a separate blog for the whole child-free thing, but here's the irony: I don't FEEL PASSIONATELY enough about the issue to want to blog about it regularly. I mean, it's a totally peripheral topic for me most of the time, making it hard to invest the time to blog it.

[sam]

Since I am the girl who took about 2 years to work out what EVOO is, please could you explain SAHM to me?
I, like you, am child free, as you know, and hope we can have this conversation next time we meet up.
You are not alone,
Sam

[Joy]

Oh, man, now I am REALLY glad I didn't go with you! I'm so sorry you felt that way -- it sounds really unpleasant. In any case, you know I love you and your choices.

Sam -- SAHM is Stay at home mom.

[SAHUP]

thanks for the explanation joy!

[Helen Jane]

I was damn pleased to have met you! And can't wait to plan some wine adventures in the future!

And yes, I agree, the mommy thing swung a little too far to the other side this year. Based on what you said, you might even be able to squeeze some new panels out of them for next year.

[haddock]

Fatemeh;

Sorry that what should have been a positive gathering turned sour for you.

It's unfortunate that ANYONE has to defend or explain their life choices.

I can definitely understand the lack of passion to start a child-free blog. My own attitude has been a "let's see what the world brings me" for a quite a while. I have been child-free for a long time, and I now am a happy parent. Neither of those states define me. People who need to hang their identities on a label; working mom, lesbian activist, chef, Republican, Buddhist, whatever you want, seem to be missing the point.

Live your life, know you are loved and let this roll off your back.

[JM]

I followed you here from your comment at Scoble's blog re: the closing keynote, which I thought was spot-on (your comment, not the keynote). I sat behind your table at the keynote, assuming you were sitting with your eggbeater buddy (whom I am particularly glad you dragged along because her comments about race/class/culture were outstanding and I'm glad to learn of her blog), and could see your table-mates making comments throughout the entire thing and wanted very much to hear what _you all_ had to say...

[Beth]

Next year I wanna go, except I do not "blog." I have an online "journal."

:P

[Jaleh]

Ladies, ladies..........
We have not come this far to judge ourselves by being a mother or not.
We do not own our children no matter how much we love to and therefore, to me, mother of 2 very unique children, it really does not matter if we have a child of your own - so long as you love all the children on the face of this earth which is in such state of chaos, uncertainty, hate rate, greed, and so much more...... and these children will have to live in it. As far as I am concerned, all women on the face of the earth are mothers. Some have childern, some love to have them but cannot and some have the choices. There are mothers who love their children only and in my book they are not mothers they are owners. Yet, there are women who by choice do not have children and yet, they are such inspiration to children. And then, they are women that are dieing to have children and cannot.
So - long live womenhood and the right choices they make because being a mother just for the sake of being called a mother dose not quaily any women as mother.

[mipmup]

i hear ya. while i wasn't totally offended by the amount of mommy-talk, i can relate to your feelings being child-free myself. my issue is really that i always hope that there are more things to talk about intelligent, dynamic, creative women than children. is that snotty? i, too, was thrilled when the blogger stood up and steered us back talking about being fearless, child-free or no. and i agree with the cold shoulder aspects of many of the bloggers. it was little off-putting, no? (i did, however, enjoy meeting you and hope to see you again!)

[Catherine Granger]

Hi Fatemeh

I did not know about BlogHer but I would love to participate to some food and wine sessions next year. Keep me posted!

Catherine.

[deb]

Dear Fatemah,
Thank you for this blog. I am on the internet exploring blogs for the first time today and found your site. I am not in the food industry, but am so tired of "moms" assuming that they know why I am childless. If you don't mind, I would like to borrow your "child-free" description from now on-I actually look forward to the reactions it might bring!
Thank you.

[Kung Foodie]

That just sucks that you walked away from the event feeling this way. I'm 37 and happily child-free as well, but thankfully I didn't pick up on any weird vibes. Maybe because I was there both days and too busy to notice. Being a web geek I spent a lot of time talking to folks about tech stuff, then food stuff...and that was about it; and of course I missed the closing keynote speakers. I definitely thought some of the sponsor pitches were annoying and even a bit condescending, but I understand that it takes $$$ to keep the show rolling.

[Julie]

Dear Fatemeh,

Like we say in NY -- I feel you. G and I are also child-free entirely by choice, and like you and others who've responded to your post, I get pretty fed-up with all the questions/assumptions about why we're not breeders. Too bad I won't see you at dinner on Monday -- but I do hope we can meet up before G and I leave the Bay Area.

[Dr. Biggles]

Hey,

Hmmm, well, I wasn't there so I can't speak to that. But I do know of the conversations you're talking about. Years ago I made a few lame attempts to fit in. But it was rediculous and I'll beat a hasty reatreat each time. Just because I have children doesn't mean I want to spend every waking moment talking about them or fawning over them. And one would hope when you're attending an event or party that people would at least attempt to move things on-topic.
Next time you just let me know and I'll go kick their ass for you.

Biggles

[Debra Roby]

Fatimah,

I felt much the same as you, and I'm sorry we never met up. Atleast we would not have marginalized each other.

And, as a crafty blogger, there was one other attendee there!! Fortunately lots of other bloggers made me feel welcome. And I did comment about on the mommy's exclusionary attitude at BlogHer.

How about call to arms that all bloggers who attend leave all their delimiters at home! To come as human beings (not mothers or childfrees, workers, housewives, foodies, edubloggers, techies, crafters or men) and embrace our similarities instead of our differences? Afterall, being a blogger is a miniscule part of the world population. By this alone we are limited enough.

Hey, we have a year to work on this. Elise is already looking to address the us/them divides next year. That alone may make it easier for me to choose to attend.

[Elise]

Hi Debra, do you mean Elisa Camahort?

Last year when I started volunteering with BlogHer, there was a lot of confusion. I'm Elise. Then there's Lisa and Elisa, two of the conference organizers. I have been a strong advocate of the food/wine blogging community with the BlogHer founders since the last conference.

Regarding the mommy bloggers, last year they definitely felt marginalized. They ended up organizing their own session for that conference. From what I understand, not being a mommy blogger myself, it's brutal. The minute you put up anything having to do with parenting, you get the whole world coming down on you, calling you names, condemning you to hell, etc. etc. for your choices regarding how you parent your own child.

Last year I only knew a few people at the conference, people from the tech business who I had met at other conferences. I volunteered running audio and got to meet more people. Over the last year I became much more involved with both BlogHer.org and the conference and came in this year knowing many more people. My experience, the more you volunteer your time and expertise, the more influence you have in how you want things to turn out.

Elisa Camahort and Lisa Stone have been hearing from me until I'm blue in the face with how important it is to have the food bloggers better represented in the conference. If this is the result you want to, please please email them (elisa@blogher.org, lisa@blogher.org) with the request. Offer to help organize. This conference is almost entirely a volunteer effort.

[maki]

Thank you for your post, Fatemeh. I had a chance to go to the conference, but decided against it, and now I'm glad for that decision.

Elise, the big problem I see with having a food blogging thing at Blogher is - what about the male food bloggers? You can't just have a conference about female food blogging - or can you?

[Kelly]

Hi Fatemeh - I've been reading for a while but this is my virgin comment =). I saw the conference advertised, and it looked really interesting, from a mostly voyeuristic kind of view (I have a few blogs but I definitely don't feel like I devote the time/effort to say I'm a blogger). I was really curious about what they'd talk about. It's so odd to me that parenthood would even come up that much, given the way you'd described it - I can't even imagine how most of the blogs I read would be THAT different if the authors did/n't have children. Anyway, my interest is piqued. And I'm sorry the conference didn't go as well as it should have for you.

- Kelly G.

[Kung Foodie]

I agree with Debra's comment about embracing similarites instead of differences, and hopefully that's something the BH team will work on for next year. While I don't have kids myself there are some great mom blogs out there that I enjoy reading...but I'm not really keen on spending a lot of money and several days of my time listening to folks talk about parenting and such.

One of the first things out of Shuna's mouth when I ran into everyone on Saturday was "...so let's start planning an international food bloggers conference". I think this would be awesome as it's pretty obvious that food bloggers would want more sessions than Blogher has the time or ability to cover.

Blogher is really about the "her" and the blogging...not about food (which of course was pretty evident when perusing the buffets). ;-)