Thoughts on my first BlogHer

When I signed up for BlogHer 2006, and even convinced a good friend to attend with me, I had no idea that I'd walk away with such incredibly strong feelings about the event. I thought it would be a great way to connect with the owners of the dozens of non-food blogs I read, learn something about the way other communities in the blogosphere work, and maybe even forge a few new friendships.

Instead, I left San Jose feeling a little alienated, though perhaps a bit more educated as well. Before proceeding however, I feel like I should give you a bit of background. This post is one of the most personal I've ever written, so I hope you'll be patient with me.

I am a child-free woman by choice and I married a man who doesn't wish to be a father. Ergo, we have a DINK marriage that is highly likely to stay that way. I hate using the term "childless" as it implies that I'm "missing" something, whereas "child-free" indicates a choice. I most certainly don't disparage any other woman for choosing parenthood, and in fact, see them as fiercely strong people.

So, it really saddened me when I left BlogHer yesterday feeling as though I'd inadvertently attended a Mommy-Blogging conference, and not a conference for all women. Throughout most of the day, I was surrounded by a derisiveness and cliquishness that sent me a message loud and clear: "Motherhood is the only choice".

To say that I already feel marginalized by many women who think that there is "something wrong with me" for not wanting to be a mom is an understatement. I just didn't expect to find that attitude at a conference filled with women who are participating in a world-changing  new medium.

I think of myself as a fairly outgoing person. I smile a lot, especially around people I'd like to meet. I haven't felt so bewilderingly "shot down" as I did yesterday in a very, very long time.

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One of the really lovely ladies I met  yesterday (in the food & wine "roundtable") is a fellow foodie who is also a mom.  We'll use her first initial to preserve her anonymity. "M" filled me in on some of what she'd heard coming out of the "Mommy-Blogging" session. It seems that the working moms felt like the whole discussion had been pre-empted by the SAHMs, of which there were many. It shocks me that, even between mothers, there is this "us against them" attitude.

She also told me that, last year, it was the mommy-bloggers who'd felt marginalized by the non-moms. That there were few sessions designed for them. So they all went back and wrote about BlogHer on their blogs. They created a "call to arms" of sorts, and banded together to get what they wanted and needed out of BlogHer 2006.

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So, tell me, what would you do?

Part of me wants to write to each and every woman I tried to make small talk with, and who failed to respond with even a glimmer of a smile -- sure, I know some of you are "A-list Bloggers", as it were, but you came to this conference for a reason, and I hope that reason wasn't to feed your egos. So why the cold shoulder?

Another part of me wants to create my OWN call-to-arms, and descend upon BlogHer 2007 with a contingent of food and wine bloggers. And, of course, volunteer for the planning committee to create relevant topics for us.

Because that's the other thing about yesterday -- even in the closing keynote with such luminaries as Arianna Huffington and Grace Davis, the damn discussion kept turning towards the implications (and applications) of blogging to motherhood. So much so, in fact, that one woman finally stood up and called the panel on it.

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OK, I've vented enough. But I just had to get this out, and where better to do that than in my beloved Blogosphere? I don't regret attending BlogHer for one moment, and I know I'll go back next year.

Call me an overachiever. Or a glutton for punishment.

Tags: BlogHer, Motherhood, Parenting, Food, Women, Huffington, Blogs, San Francisco, San Jose

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Comments

[Alanna]

Interesting conversation here. It doesn't explain/excuse the 'cold shoulder' experience you had but one reason why there may have been such a proponderance of Mommy Bloggers at BlogHer is that it's the #1 group in numbers and post reads within Blogher, also that it's first group in a targeted "ad network" thus getting more VALUE from Blogher. I'm also wondering if the women-only venue exaggerated the differences between the Mommies & nonMommies. All that said, there can be a huge divide, no doubt, between the children have's and the have-not's, whether by choice or otherwise.
PS If it'd been a food blogger conference WITH MEN OF COURSE there'd have been no keeping me away.

[whinger]

I went to BlogHer, too, and am now so bummed we didn't meet, as I also left feeling a little weird about child-freeness.
I find it hard to blame the moms who were there, though. Most of them were there like I was, to meet people live who they didn't know regularly.
I don't know. It wasn't enough to not make me want to go again, certainly, but it did give me pause.

[Ruby]

I happened on this post randomly... actually, in search of good recipes and food ideas for a dinner party tomorrow. I'd read another reference recently about the blogher conference, so I thought I'd read up a little...

But I've come away from the discussion with two tiny technical questions. Since I dropped into this entry from a random place and not having read the entire blog, it would be handy to know what a DINK lifestyle is (and do I want one that sounds like ... like *dink*?) or what a SAHM is. Would it hurt to parenthetically spell out those acronyms on first usage in a blog entry?

[shuna fish lydon]

Fatemeh,

Thank you for this writing, this exploration, this brave vulnerability. I have not had it in me to write about BlogHer at all and I commend you for tackling this multi-faceted topic and experience.

I am still overwhelmed. And don't quite know how to manage it into cyber words.

I think you and C. are incredible parents. Your Frenchies and the plight of these wonderful furry short people are lucky to have you on their side. Even though I am only a step-papa to my D. O. G. 's, I feel that I am very much a part of their lives.

It seems to me that because the conference is only 2 years old it might take a bit for them to gain sea legs. BlogHer's vision is large and I can only imagine that it will be difficult for a lot of people to "feel part of." I agree with Elise B. that if we get more involved in next year's agenda we could address many of the issues which left all the rest of us out.

Thank you for speaking your truths, and for making a space for all of us who are trying to find our voices here.

Maybe next year we can get the local economy's food to cater the event. Chicago-style ribs please.

[Anita]

Fatemeh,

I'm late to the party as usual, but... if you decide to storm the castle next year, here's another child-free food blogiste ready to join your crew.

[Lisa Stone]

Okay, Anita, you're no longer the latest to the party ;)

Fatemeh, thanks for this post. I'm still trying to absorb all the feedback and slowly making my way around the blogosphere, which is why it's taken me a few weeks to join this discussion.

I'm sorry we didn't have a chance to meet at BlogHer. And horrified to read that you experienced the cold-shoulder from some people who attended. I utterly reject that kind of behavior -- as I did here. While we as organizers are powerless to control it, I do think we can help foster a culture where that's unacceptable.

What to do? Two things come to mind. What I think we can do much better for BlogHer '07 is to make sure that we spend a lot of time inviting people to help program the conference. As I wrote in the post I linked above, we beat the drum of do-ocracy hard in 2005 and made the mistake of assuming that people knew they could hold their own sessions. I am thankful for the time that Elise Bauer has taken to educate me about the depth and breadth of this food blogging community - I would love to see you all take BlogHer '07 by storm. (Shuna - Yes to the ribs! YUM. Please?) The only way BlogHer will continue to become more diverse and exciting is if you take ownership and contribute your idea. And it may not be about food -- how about a discussion of child-free by choice?

I also think that we can and should invest a lot more time in meeting each other. We need a great, big, messy, fun, starter icebreaker -- especially now that some of us know each other in person, it's even more essential that we all reach out. And I find it so ironic that I've read as many posts by BlogHer attendees who choose not to have children and don't blog about it and felt disliked and alienated as a result, as by BlogHer attendees who do have children, do blog about it, and felt disliked and alienated as a result of that choice. Layered upon all of this is the judgement society feels free to make about our uteruses, whether we choose to exercise them or not. A crazy Ovarian Olympics that are designed to divide women.

If we can develop a blog conference culture that embraces our differences and celebrates them, while helping us each become better writers and better acquainted with ourselves, then we'll be getting somewhere. I really hope you'll join us. I'm local -- perhaps we could talk about this in-person this fall?

[sam]

Here is another thought: Although I have been a Blogher Editor since the site was lanched, I wasn't feeling particularly part of Blogher. Reading about the conference and having not been there made me feel even more alienated, but it also gave me a little spark which reignited my interest.

So, since people came back with reports on the conference, I decided to put myself into action and become a better member of the site. I have made a concerted effort to post comments (where I never did before), not just on the food posts, but on all of the posts that interest me. This is helping me feel more like a Blogher in addition to being a food blogger.

May I suggest that everyone who is interested in making next year's Blogher Conference even better, starts now by joining in the conversations as they are happening right now on the Blogher site, therby getting to know the world of women in the blogosphere in advance.

[Fatemeh]

Lisa -

Thank you so much for commenting. I agree with you wholeheartedly that this divide between the childed and unchilded is rather perverse.

I would absolutely LOVE to see a session on child-free by choice next year, and I would even more love to be a moderator on such a topic.

Let's definitely please get together once things have settled down, and y'all are in the planning phases again. I think it would be eye-opening, and it would be really wonderful to meet you in-person.

Oh, and as for some ice-breaker sessions... I've been to enough "corporate retreats" to be able to suggest a few starting ideas -- I'm sure you guys all have, too!

[Mom101]

Oh I know I'm so so late to this party - sigh - as always. But I found you through Lisa's link and am glad to have found this perspective. It's interesting, as a "mommyblogger" (a term which makes me want to spit) I feel limited. I'm also a foodie - I co-authored a cookbook. I'm also a creative director. I'm also a writer. I'm also a comedy geek. I'm also a political activist. I'm also a New Yorker.

And yet when I tried to make conversation, more than one blogger looked at my name tag (perhaps my fault for having MOM in the title of my personal blog) and either walked away or sneered or both.

I hate nothing more than to be pegged as just one thing - I am no more just a mom than you are just a non-mom. I was a non-mom for 37 years. I can relate to a childfree SF food writer more than I could relate to say a mid-America homeschooling mom.

So I can only say that if anyone snubbed you for not having children? Well that's about the stupidest fucking (excuse me) thing I've ever heard. I hope next year we can have more topics that unite us as women instead of dividing us up by theme.

Nice to meet you Fatema, even if it isn't in person. -Liz

(PS I got a couple of cold shoulders myself from A list mombloggers - just a thought that maybe it wasn't about you as much as it was about them.)

[pollycharlie]

Thank you for the venting. I found your blog through a friend's because I am a new foodie to the Bay Area. I am entering the age when my choice to be child-free is starting to cause many grief. There are friends of mine for 10 years who actually stop hanging out with me because I choose to be child-free. It's very good to know that there are other child-free women out there, and strong ones I might add. All the best to you.